Many people wonder how to cope with the death of a close friend, not only because they do not know how to cope with grief. Another reason is the fact that prolonged grief is inadequately perceived by others. Moreover, when we are not talking about a relative - parents, children or other loved ones, but about a friend. Those who had a close relationship with a friend cannot immediately stop thinking about her and do not know how to hide the tears that are choking them. Experts say that there is no need to hide your grief, because once it comes out, it will go away faster.
How to cope with the death of a close friend
Ancient traditions of funerals and wakes, which are no longer so zealously observed, were invented and developed for a reason.
Experts claim that such a distribution of memorial days helped a person to tune in, measured certain stages and contributed to a faster acceptance of the situation. So, for example, 9 days is the period when a person is still in a state of shock from his loss, trying to realize and accept it as a given. You can feel free to shed tears and refuse to accept such a terrible fact that your close friend is no longer there. People can experience 2 states: freezing in their grief or excessive fussiness. It is often during this period that a person who has suffered a loss begins to be overcome by thoughts of suicide. You need to keep yourself away from them. After all, your family loves you and doesn’t want to lose you. Try not to be alone. Speak up. After all, you probably had common acquaintances with your friend with whom you can reminisce or just talk. If not, contact your relatives.
40 days after the death of a loved one is the period when gradual awareness of the situation and its acceptance begin. However, at this moment an unconscious search for the deceased begins in the crowd. He seems to be standing in the middle of a procession, sitting on the next seat in a movie theater, etc. Psychologists say that if a deceased friend comes in a dream, this is good. After all, there is an opportunity to communicate and complain to her. But the absence of such dreams is an alarming signal that requires visiting a specialist - a psychologist or even a psychotherapist.
By six months from the date of her friend’s death, the pain has already dulled slightly, but can still return in acute periods. Often there is aggression towards the deceased himself with the message: why did you die? how could you leave me? etc.
If all stages are completed and accepted internally, then by the year after the death of your best friend, life begins to slowly stabilize. Acute grief is replaced by light sadness.
Psychologists say that the death of a close friend is perceived more easily if there was time to mentally prepare for it, for example, she was ill for a long time, and such an outcome was predicted in advance.
My friend died, and how to live now?
Hello! Thank you for sharing. Firstly, this may have made you feel a little better. Secondly, your question may be relevant to many people. We all lose someone sometimes. I'm no exception either. Therefore, everything that I will say now, I have lived and felt on myself. I hope my words will help you at least a little. The death of a loved one is always painful. And it literally hurts. What I’m going to tell you now may seem unexpected at first, but don’t rush, and first just spin this thought in your head, think for yourself.
The fact is that when we lose a loved one, we really worry very much, and it can be very painful for us, but this pain, oddly enough, is not associated with the loss of the person himself (as a living being: he was and is no longer), but with the loss of a large part of our familiar picture of the world. Our psyche perceives everything that is familiar to us (images of people nearby, familiar sensations, familiar values, familiar routes and surroundings) as part of itself. And if suddenly something from the familiar, perceived world changes dramatically, the psyche reacts to it in the same way as it would react to the loss of a leg or arm: with pain. This is why when people say “I am hurt by this loss,” they are telling the truth. It really hurts them (us).
But there is good news in this. Yes, yes, no matter how blasphemous it may sound now. Unfortunately, you cannot return a person, a loved one or a loved one, but you can restore yourself and your well-being. Moreover, it can be restored faster than usually happens. You've probably heard that time heals? Yes? And over time, this is what happens: a person simply lives on, slowly goes about his business, and at the same time preoccupies himself with other affairs and concerns. That empty part of the usual life, which at first gapes as a hole, is gradually filled. It is partly filled with new worries (they are always coming, more and more), and partly it is filled with new communication with new people. No matter how great the loss, something will eventually fill the void. And since this will happen anyway, you can speed up this process slightly.
First, just remember: your suffering is mainly due to the fact that your picture of the world as you know it has changed dramatically (a huge and important fragment of it has broken off) and your plans have been dramatically disrupted. This very understanding can ease your condition, because now you will understand: that’s why it hurts, and it’s clear what to do about it. And secondly, start slowly filling in the missing voids. Do it slowly, and, by the way, use all the power of your imagination for this.
The fact is that your friend, your beloved sister, left you abruptly. And much was not completed. You didn’t tell her something, you didn’t report something. You didn't have time to say goodbye, after all. Well, that's exactly what you can do. Mentally. Don’t be ashamed or afraid of this, this is quite normal, and it helps a lot to heal wounds. There is no need to run away from thoughts about your beloved friend, you just need to direct them in the right direction. Talk to her mentally. I think the best thing to do for this is to be alone with yourself (and your thoughts), so that no one distracts you and so that you are not embarrassed by your feelings and emotions. Imagine that your friend did not leave, that she simply moved to another world, better than this, and now she really wants you to feel better (if you are a believer, then this will be all the more easy for you to imagine). And you can contact your friend. You can tell her how much you love her. Yes, that’s right: not “loved”, but “love”, because this continues at the present time, and your feeling has not dissolved anywhere. And this is good. The feeling of love, gratitude, warmth is very healing. Tell her how scared and upset you are, tell her how you feel. Be frank and don't hold back. You can, turning to the bright image of your friend, cry together about the fact that this is how it happens in life, this is how the life of any person sometimes unexpectedly ends. You might even find something to be happy about together. For example, the fact that a friend passed away, it seems, without suffering. But someone literally dreams about this. Agree, not the worst option for leaving life. Although premature. You can think together about what this unexpected and unpleasant event can teach you. By the way, this is one of the very powerful ways to accept any surprises in life with a calm and wise heart: to accept that any test is not necessarily a tragedy, but also a useful lesson. After all, we often take this life for granted, and our loved ones who live nearby are often perceived by us as the “normal state of affairs.” But how much does this help us appreciate each other now, while we are still alive? Perhaps this is a very good chance to start looking at your loved ones differently? Perhaps there are still a large number of people in your life who are still alive, and whom you can still hug, to whom you can tell a lot and thank a lot?
You know, the death of my loved ones taught me a lot. At first I just suffered. And then I learned to appreciate what I have now. And those who are still alive. I always remember that people close to me, who are still alive today, can leave this life at any moment. But now this makes me not so much sad as I want to hug and talk. Just be together and enjoy it. After all, it doesn’t matter when and how our life ends. What is more important is how we live every minute of this life now, before everything is over. And this, perhaps, is the very meaning of life that for some reason everyone is looking for “somewhere out there” and “someday,” but it is here, right in front of our noses: enjoy what you have now, because that this is life itself. Everything is already there now, and there is no need to run anywhere and no need to wait for anything, but you can just drink the pleasure one sip at a time. This is joy. Clean and unadulterated. And then death is not so terrible. You even begin to feel gratitude towards her, because against her background life feels very bright. At the limit of brightness.
Let me give you a virtual hug! Turn to life, and it will gradually become easier for you.
What to do to ease your grief
Often people try to experience grief alone, ashamed and hiding their feelings from others. However, this should not be done. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to talk to a friend, write her a letter. If all this eases your grief, do it.
Many people are ashamed to often go to the cemetery, visit the parents of a deceased friend or her family, or visit a child. These are all false beliefs that only prolong your grief. If these meetings do not make you unhappy, but on the contrary give you a feeling of lightness, you need to allow yourself to have them.
Remember that grieving for a loved one is normal and not something to be ashamed of. After all, sometimes best friends are closer and dearer than some relatives. If your grief is akin to hysteria, and this state persists for a long time, it is better to turn to a professional - a psychologist who will help you overcome your grief.
Teenage daughter grieving over friend's death
Hello, Valentina. Your daughter will not calm down quickly. She may still be in shock. Now you can only be near her, listen to her (no matter how difficult it may be), support her with kind words that you love her, that you will not leave her, that you do not blame her, that you think that she is not to blame. But don't argue too much. The main thing is that she simply hears you and feels supported. A person in such a state, experiencing the grief of loss, may sometimes seem not entirely sane. So let him cry and say what he wants. There is no need to reassure her too much, let her cry, the main thing is that there is no hysteria. Have pity on her, caress her. If possible, you can give him a sedative. Talk to a neurologist and have her prescribe a course of sedatives (this can be done without your daughter). Watch how she eats and sleeps. If suddenly there is any pathological behavior, i.e. complete refusal to eat or loss of sleep for 3-4 days, or stupor, call a psychiatrist at home - this means that the state of shock has not passed. If this does not happen, then make sure that she at least drinks tea and eats something. If food and sleep are not too disturbed, then only support from you. Don't expect her to be comforted quickly. Normally, the grief of loss is experienced by a person for 1-1.5 years. Although over time it becomes unnoticeable that a person is grieving. Find her a psychologist who will help her relieve her guilt. This can be done a little later, not right away, but definitely. Typically, teenagers experiencing the grief of loss respond well to visiting a psychologist. Read on the Internet about the stages of experiencing grief over loss so that you can clearly understand what is happening to your daughter and when. Don’t get hung up on your fear that something might happen to her, because it can be read no matter how much you hide it; tune in to the fact that she will get over her loss in due time, and everything will pass. There may also be a depressive episode. Here, be attentive, but not fussy (otherwise you can strengthen it with your fuss and fear), try not to lose contact with your daughter in order to provide her with emotional support. She can become aggressive, this is also a manifestation of anxiety. To prevent this from happening, or to smooth it out, be sure to consult a psychologist. If your daughter refuses, visit a psychologist yourself so that the impact can be exerted through you. This period will pass, and here a lot depends on your composure, self-control and love.
Best regards, Larisa.
Miroshnichenko Larisa Vladimirovna, psychologist Almaty
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